Scars
by NekoChanT
Summary: Tadase cannot fall asleep and knows a great way to get out of this state.


Tadase stared blankly at the ceiling that night. He could not sleep. It has been several hours since the moment when the boy exchanged "good night" with his chara. And this boy still could not enjoy this good night. It wasn't at all good.

All this time, he was only thinking about what happened yesterday afternoon. Thought about how he could not protect his friend, although she waved it off, saying that everything was fine. He was thinking about how weak he is. What could the king not protect those whom he loves? What king was crying because of some trifles? That's it, that no. Kings are strong and don't cry, which means he should not. But it's so hard. No matter how he tried not to shed tears, every day, it became harder and harder. In the end, he was able to find a way not to cry.

Tadase knew perfectly that staying up late was bad. At school, he will be sleepy, and at a tea party, most likely, accidentally fall asleep. At now, this does not bother him much. Quietly rising from the bed, he first looks at Kiseki's egg. He still sleeping silently and peacefully. That's good. The boy opens the desk drawer and pulls out a broken sharpener. Well, not broken... Rather _disassembled_. With trembling hands, the blond takes only one part of this thing. _Blade_. Putting the rest, unnecessary parts for him, Tadase goes to the bathroom.

Trying to be just as quiet as possible, he opens the door and turns on the light. At first, his eyes weren't used to this, and he squinted his eyes, but still, he came in and closed the door behind him. And when his eyes are accustomed to the light, he takes off his upper pyjamas. He doesn't want to get it dirty.

His gaze is directed to the inside of his left hand. Under the bright light, can see many scars are covering the entire distance from the wrist to the elbow. Some of the wounds were very old, and some were very new. Well, he was going to add new ones to the second group.

Tadase knew perfectly that harming himself was terrible. But he did not stop doing it. He didn't even remember how it started and why he even decided to soothe the mental pain with this method. Almost every week, he decided to go into the bathroom late at night and, biting his lower lip, cut his hand and repeat to himself that he should not cry, he should be strong. You have to have a lot of strength to decide to do this, right?

And then he again walked a blade along his arm, leaving many bleeding cuts. Of these, slow streams of blood rolled down. It is even somehow bewitching. Before bewitching enough to allow blood to drip onto the floor or, even worse, clothes, Tadase slowly rises from the floor and goes to the sink. There he quietly turns on the water and substitutes a hand there. Let the blood go where no one sees it.

He continued to look emotionlessly at how the blood flows less and less until the flow has completely stopped. These actions have already become almost automatic. Each time the same thing. It's just that sometimes he had to wait longer from strong emotions. But, as he believed, there is _no other way_.

Tadase stopped looking at his hand and returned to the part of his pyjamas, and then to the bed. Now blonde wanted to sleep more, and now there were no emotions. And still, It does not matter, except this is at the cost of the purity of his left hand. And his feelings are not important, crying because of this is not worth it. He needs to be strong, and this is a great way to prove his strength... He cannot harm others, but he can harm _himself_.

It seemed to him that such thoughts made it easier. He even began to smile at himself. It even looks like some madness, but it's not... probably. There should not be anything crazy about this. These acts help him, he does not cry because of them, they prove his strength, and he pays so well for what he did wrong during the day. The main thing is that no one will know. They will not understand. Even Kiseki will not understand this expression of strength.

And then Hotori finally fell asleep. And in the morning everything was the same as always - lessons, meetings in the garden, egg cleaning. Nothing new and no one knows anything. And they do not need to know. _He feels great._

What a pity that his friends don't understand this. How was he so "lucky" that Kukai noticed something strange on his wrist? And he noticed all the other oddities on friend's hand. And he noticed the strange behaviour of a friend on disclosure. Tadase could not even say a word in his defence. And so he cowardly fled from him, hiding and shaking. And, of course, Kiseki also saw this and tried to find out at least something from the poor boy. But the boy didn't hear anything. This is so strange. He always told himself so many explanations for his actions, and now he cannot even utter a word. Why does he feel so bad because of some trifle? Why are others so worried about some trifle?

And again, tears come to his eyes, but he must hold on. Hold on, hiding behind a tree, pressing knees in chest and hiding face in them. He so wanted to disappear and not disturb his friends anymore. He wished the earth could swallow him up, he wished to dissolve or even worse... All this would be fair to him. Only others did not think so, for some reason.

And, it seems, someone found him. At first, although he did not hear the voice of this "someone," he understood this by the fact that this someone shook him besides himself. And when he looked up and heard a voice, he only felt worse.

_Amu._ The one he loved with all his heart admired her and the one in front of which he did not want to appear in this form most of all. He had already hurt her yesterday, as the patch on her cheek was talking about. Although he only hurt her indirectly, it was still his fault. And not only that, he hurt her and other ways... It's amazing how she still loved him.

When Tadase looked at her, the pink-haired girl's face reflected the joy that he had heard her and the worry of how he looked. How had she not noticed his condition before? Did he hide so well all his pain under his daily mask? But now, Hotori was real. And not at all in the best condition. She saw perfectly that he was on the verge of tears and knew absolutely no reason.

The girl tried to ask what was wrong with him, but he didn't answer. Tadase tried to answer, but a lump in his throat blocked absolutely any sound. Well, he didn't know what to say to her. He could say, as always, that he is fine, but in this situation, it would be an obvious lie. Even realizing that he could not answer anything, he tried. Tried unsuccessfully. And tears still strived to shed, strove to disgrace him in front of her. The boy tried to lower his head as low as possible so that the girl would not see his face and in vain attempts to explain the situation.

And when Amu called his name again, he burst into tears.

Tadase was so ashamed of himself. He wept in front of her like a child... Well, he was a child, but old enough not to cry, or at least not to cry so loudly. He tried to muffle himself: he covered his mouth with shaking hands, covered his face, tried to remain silent and not make sounds, but nothing worked again. Hotori couldn't see clearly - tears interfered. And now he did not want to look anywhere, especially at Amu. She must be so disappointed now. He isn't at all as strong as he wanted to be and wasn't at all like his former self.

But even so, Hinamori pushed him to her anyway, hoping to calm him down. She felt so sorry, that she didn't notice this earlier, and she so wanted to console him and at least somehow help. The very fact that he is so ill that he began to cut himself is terrible. And now he sobs into her vest because this is the only way she can help.

And the boy cannot accept that she accepts him. He is scared to hug her back. He cannot believe that the one he admires is now hugging him and stroking his back, whispering something soothing in his ear. He believes that he did not deserve all this, that this is not true; this is a dream. But in the end, hugs her back and snuggles tighter.

Maybe he is wrong, and Amu really wants to help him. That he is not so bad and something that Amu whispers to him is true.

Tadase continues to hug her and cry everything that has accumulated in him. And then everyone else comes, wanting to know what is happening to him.

Maybe he really needs help.


End file.
